A Hate Letter

 This was a valentine's day letter I wrote for someone WHO LOST ME.

My dear J.

It's crazy how I find myself writing yet another letter. Writing you a letter, this hate letter - a contrast of what valentines would write for each other.

But I couldn't find the words to describe how I hate you. All the words that came to me are those of how much I loved you, of those how much of you were my everything, of those how much I still long for you, how much your presence meant to me. I couldn't come up with anything to make me think I hate you.

I wish I have the words to tell you how much I hate you. But I don't, I just hated what you did, and what you do. I still can't bring myself to hate you.

I still can't understand how our world would-be-fairytale ended before we can even see the race flags rise, the race gun fire.

I still can't understand how our banters that never reached their boiling points would end up silencing themselves as they turn to goodbyes.

I still cant understand how my vision went beyond those rose-colored lenses yes i still chose to wipe the shade so I can see through the jades.

Those were some of the things I wish I understood so I would have been prepared myself for what has to come.

But my dear, I will never regret you.

I will never regret opening myself up to you.

I will never regret committing to something, someone whom I shared my secrets with.

I will never regret the things I did with you that I may never do with anyone else, all the firsts I've had with you will never be a first for whomever I'll be in this lifetime.

I will never regret the lessons I've learned from when you'd talk with your eyes shining brightly while while space out, then you bring me back, and continued to talk about things you love

I will never regret the happiness I felt whenever I see your smiles, my favorite view. Those cute little teeth that I will never shut up about.

I will never regret letting you meet my parents the very first time we met. Because you wanted to,.

I will never regret judging you for having funny exchanges of words with the cashier or servers because you always want to get hot water and kalamansi for drinks every time we go out on a date.

I will never regret all the second-hand embarrassment because of your golden retriever energy in contrast to my hot-headed chihuahua-ness.

I will never regret letting you go through my stuff just to smell and sniff whatever smells good, my perfume, my air fresheners, whatever you see that may smell good, because you loved things that were olfactory-pleasant.

I will never regret having your scent leave their traces in my car when it's your turn to be the passenger princess, or on my clothes whenever you reach out for hugs and forehead kisses when you drop me off after our dates.

I never regretted taking care of you when you got sick, because you didn't sleep, and you travelled for hours, not minding the deadlines you have, just to get to see me.

Dear J,

As much as I deny myself the sadness of our separation, I can't repulse the idea that I shared wonderful moments with one of the best people I've ever crossed paths with.

You were a breath of fresh air, the sunshine that you are, you unconsciously fought my clouds and I saw how colorful this world can be.

The chocolates you gave me, I never get to finish them because I never really liked sweets, but you insisted on giving them so I have that dopamine boost when I felt down or when I miss you for being away, or for when it's that time of the month and my melancholia visits me.

Dear J,

Even if I turn down the fact that I loved your company, you are always going to be a lesson, a memory I will cherish,.

Our end may not be as good and as happy as we wanted it to be, or at least I wanted it to be, it came clear to me that you were on your quest for something I couldn't give - but how can I ever give you something you never asked me for.

My dear J, I hate you for never insisting what you wanted. I hate you for always thinking of me first. I hate you for considering how I will feel or if I will want what you want, I hate you for always seeing me as a fragile, precious being - because I am not. I am not the damsel in distress you thought I am. I can be what you wanted, but never asked for. I could have been what you looked for but never begged for.

I could have given you what you have gotten from her, but you never asked me for

M dear J, I wish I never saw anything, I wish I never heard anything, I wish I never had to walk away. But if I didn't, it will ruin me, the damage those imageries gave will linger with me for as long as we are together. So I chose to walk away.

It hasn't even been a month yet, and I too, did some things I never thought I'd do, things that might gross me out and burry me in guilt and regrets, all because I thought those things will help me understand and justify you. But I realized how much of failures those things were. How much those actions did not help but made things worse - for me and my entire being.

For whatever the universe and the stars conspire with I'm just happy you became one of those falling stars I never expected to land on me, to get my hands on, witness, experience. I loved you-but in torment.

Dear J, you are a wonder. It was a magical journey with you.